All Our Happy Days Are Stupid Read online

  MS. ODDI: It was expensive…

  (MS. ODDI sighs. A pause.)

  MS. ODDI: I once knew a little Japanese boy, when I was in school. He did everything wrong, backwards. When everyone else was wearing their pants with the zipper in front, he would wear his with the zipper in the back. Instead of eating, he threw up every lunchtime. No one thought it was peculiar. He came from the other side of the world, after all. Well, that’s all I remember of him. Just weird. Playful, too. If you can call one child playful… among the many.

  (She sighs. She picks up the paper and reads, in a distracted manner. Into the dining room come MR. and MRS. SING. MS. ODDI notices them. THE SINGS go and sit down at their table.)

  MS. ODDI: (leaning over, whispering to MR. ODDI) It’s those parents! The parents who lost the boy! We met them yesterday. The Sings!

  MR. ODDI: (interested) I remember.

  MS. ODDI: Should we go over and say hi?

  MR. ODDI: I don’t know.

  (They watch them.)

  MR. ODDI: Yes, let’s try it.

  MS. ODDI: But what if they’re too upset to be friendly? I would hate for them to be mean to me.

  MR. ODDI: Come on, they won’t be mean to you. They know our daughter.

  MS. ODDI: Right.

  (They stand up and go over, carefully.)

  MR. ODDI: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Sing. We met you yesterday with our daughter, Jenny.

  MR. SING: Oh, hello.

  (MRS. SING looks up coldly, then goes on with her breakfast.)

  MR. ODDI: Imagine… staying at the same hotel!

  MR. SING: We like this hotel very much.

  MR. ODDI: So do we.

  MS. ODDI: I like the decor.

  MR. ODDI: My wife is very particular about decor.

  MS. ODDI: I think a building ought to have decor. Some call it a sense of place, others call it a sense of perspective. Either way, you must agree that it gives you a vantage to look out over the world from; a vantage that’s often lost when travelling, when you’re without a bit of your routine. So yes, I like the curtains they’ve chosen for this room, and that they thought of it. It makes it a little more like home.

  MR. SING: Well, thank you for stopping by.

  MR. ODDI: We’re sorry about Daniel.

  MR. SING: (awkwardly) Well… thank you.

  (Pause.)

  MS. ODDI: Good-bye.

  (They walk away.)

  MR. ODDI: (hissing, quiet) You were very rude.

  MS. ODDI: (astonished) How?

  MR. ODDI: I’m embarrassed to be your husband. I won’t go any further than that.

  MS. ODDI: What happened?

  MR. ODDI: (gritting his teeth) How can you go on making pleasantries when their son is dead?

  MS. ODDI: He’s not dead. He’s missing.

  MR. ODDI: A fair bit of difference that makes to the parents! When a child is missing a child is dead!

  MS. ODDI: What do you know? You exaggerate.

  MR. ODDI: I know these things, Grace.

  MS. ODDI: You think you know everything because you read magazines. Well, a magazine can’t tell you about the heart, Jack, as much as you’d like it to. For that there’s only fiction. Books!

  MR. ODDI: I am speaking about your behavior! Don’t bring up magazines.

  MS. ODDI: Well my behavior is not up for conversation! I put a stop to it! It is not up for conversation!

  MR. ODDI: I will tell Jenny this. I will tell her of how you have behaved. Then she will be ashamed to have a mother!

  (He goes back to his map. MR. SING comes over.)

  MS. ODDI: Mr. Sing!

  MR. SING: I am sorry to bother you, but may we borrow the sugar? We won’t be a moment with it.

  MS. ODDI: Oh yes! Oh yes, of course! Please, have the sugar. Take it. Keep it! We don’t need it back!

  MR. SING: Thank you.

  MS. ODDI: (calling after him as he retreats to his table) We don’t need it!

  MR. ODDI: (nodding approvingly) That was good of you.

  MS. ODDI: I thought: We need the sugar, but they need it more.

  (MR. ODDI keeps reading his map.)

  MS. ODDI: (smiling, satisfied) “We need it, but they need it more.”

  (JENNY enters, a little disheveled, as if having woken from a nap.)

  JENNY: I’m ready to go.

  MS. ODDI: (excited) Ready?

  JENNY: I said I’m ready. You’re just repeating me now.

  (MR. ODDI folds up his map.)

  MR. ODDI: You’ll be happy to know I have figured out our day. Ready and set?

  JENNY: Oh, there are the Sings!

  (JENNY wanders over to them, uncertain.)

  MS. ODDI: (calling after her, warning) It’s a very difficult situation, Jenny.

  JENNY: Mr. and Mrs. Sing?

  (MRS. SING looks up.)

  MR. SING: Hello, Jenny.

  JENNY: Would you like to… I was wondering if you’d like to come around with me and my family today?

  MR. SING: No thank you, Jenny. We’re going to stay by the hotel and wait for Daniel.

  JENNY: I just thought that if we all went together, it would be a nicer day, for the company.

  MRS. SING: I don’t want to say it, Jenny, but your mother is very irritating to me and I am just in no mood.

  JENNY: (weakly) But when people come together—

  MRS. SING: You are a very pushy girl! We are going to stay in our room and wait for Daniel! Our son has gone missing and we love him very much! (begins crying) I don’t want to be rude but we are in no mood to go off with your family today! We don’t know if we’ll ever see him again!

  JENNY: I think you will see him again.

  MRS. SING: What do you know! You’re only twelve! There is nothing stupider, I repeat nothing stupider, than being twelve!

  MR. SING: Today is not a good day, Jenny.

  (JENNY turns to go. She returns to her parents.)

  MS. ODDI: Come. You shouldn’t have created a scene.

  (She puts her arm around JENNY.)

  JENNY: I’m sorry.

  MS. ODDI: You thought your charm could take care of it all, but that is not always the case. Even for girls with whom it is always the case, they are generally much prettier than you are. One day it will be easier, when you have wit, and that day will come in its own time, but not until you know a little more about the world first. As it stands, you are very naive. (shrill) A great naïf!

  MR. ODDI: That’s enough for today. The day has just begun and we are already two hours into a lecture! Can’t we please just try to be happy?

  MS. ODDI: You and I discussed this, Jack. If you were completely uninterested in the educational aspect of this trip you should have laid that out before we left and I would have stayed at home. I have little enough time for fun. Jenny will be thirteen in May!

  JENNY: I’ll learn!

  (They all go.)

  MRS. SING: (appalled) What an astonishing woman!

  SCENE 3

  Parisian park. Early that afternoon. THE ODDI FAMILY sits on a bench, distracted. The parade is still going on.

  MR. ODDI: I know you were saying this the other day, Jenny, and I think you were right. Why all the revellers? Where is the wine?

  JENNY: Thank you, father.

  MR. ODDI: In fact, if it would not be going too far, I think Cedervale is more like Paris than Paris itself, and I will be happy and relieved when we get back. Think even of the striped umbrellas at the beach where we go sometimes, for instance!

  MS. ODDI: Jack, if you’re going to go and say that, you might as well just throw in the towel right now and all of us with it. There’s nothing like a quitter! (more hysterical) And there’s the gutter!

  MR. ODDI: Calm down, Grace. (looking at the map) Now look here, I think I’ve found the spot, pinpointed it. It’s not two miles off, in that direction.

  (He points.)

  MR. ODDI: (to JENNY, a little hyper) You want authentic Parisian life? You’d like Papa to take you there
today?

  (THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT comes over. He speaks with an exaggerated, phony French accent.)

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Hello little girl!

  JENNY: (looks up, sarcastic) Thank you very much for calling me a little girl. I’m twelve years old, you know.

  MS. ODDI: Twelve years old is still little. Have you even gotten your period yet? I bet not!

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Wouldn’t you like to join the parade, see what it’s like to be on parade?

  JENNY: No thank you. I think your parade is ridiculous! It is absolutely ruining Paris for me, and my mother, and my father!

  MR. ODDI: (turning) We do not find it very Parisian.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Oh, but it is Parisian! France has a great comedic tradition, you know, and it was not at all unusual in the 1400s, for example, to have jesters walking through the streets, in costumes much like this one… or this one. No, do not think the French courts dismissed peasant humor. In fact, court life would have been all intrigues and murders if the lightheartedness of the circus performers wasn’t there to intervene! I don’t speak from personal experience, but I have done my reading, and I know for sure.

  MR. ODDI: You can keep your bugger history! We just don’t find it very sophisticated!

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Monsieur, I understand. When I first moved to Paris seven years ago, I had a very different idea of how it would turn out for me. I came with little money, only one change of clothes. I was young. I thought I’d paint the Seine, yes, sit along the water all day, and in the night proposition women for threesomes or foursomes—

  MS. ODDI: Excuse me! She is twelve years old!

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: But she must know what it is, a threesome.

  JENNY: I know what it is.

  MR. ODDI: Would you leave my family in peace!

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Indulging in threesomes is very good. They’re a pleasure.

  MS. ODDI: Anyone can see they’re a pleasure!

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Especially with two men. Then the possibilities are even more interesting.

  (MR. ODDI gets up and punches THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT in the face. He staggers back. MR. ODDI turns away but then THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT returns the punch.)

  JENNY: Oh, stop! Just stop! Will you please stop it!

  (The two men back off each other.)

  JENNY: Father, really!

  (THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT wanders off.)

  MS. ODDI: Are you hurt?

  MR. ODDI: I’m not hurt, Grace, thank you very much.

  (He rubs his hand. JENNY starts to cry.)

  MR. ODDI: See what you’ve done? You’ve startled her.

  JENNY: Do you think they’ll ever find him, really?

  MS. ODDI: Well, Jenny, it’s unlikely. It is very unlikely.

  JENNY: Perhaps he really was taken. And if he was?

  MS. ODDI: If he was, then we probably won’t see him again. Adults who take children tend to make all they can of the opportunity, and that does not include returning them to their parents.

  JENNY: (crying) Poor Daniel!

  MR. ODDI: Now, Jenny. Let’s try and forget all about this. Have I something to show the two of you! A real French Parisian district, with real Parisians going about their daily business.

  JENNY: I want to go back to the hotel with the Sings!

  MR. ODDI: I am not going to ruin your mother’s whole day on account of your wanting to go back. We’ll go back to the hotel in the evening, and we’ll help the Sings then. There’s not much to be done about it now.

  JENNY: Don’t you care about Daniel?

  MR. ODDI: Of course I care, Jenny, but he’s not our son and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re not the guilty party.

  MS. ODDI: (saying it, but distracted) That’s right, Jenny. Don’t start treating your father like he’s the guilty party. Your father spent a lot of money getting us over here, and while we’re here, we should be out, not just sitting in a hotel with the Sings.

  JENNY: Perhaps they need our company.

  MS. ODDI: If they do, they’ll just have to wait until we get back for dinner tonight.

  MR. ODDI: They’re not waiting around for us now. Don’t be ridiculous. They’re not sitting there thinking, “Oh, where are the Oddis, our only friends in the world?” Be reasonable, Jenny.

  MS. ODDI: Yes. Come along. Your father has planned a really nice day and we’re going to see it through.

  MR. ODDI: That’s right… a real Parisian district. We might even hear some French!

  SCENE 4

  Hotel lobby. Later that afternoon. MR. and MRS. SING sit on a bench.

  MRS. SING: It seemed like they might be our friends, the Oddis, the way they came over to our table this morning and then gave us the sugar. I really could see it, I thought—yes! In her face was something of the brutal woman. I do like brutal women. I have all along, since I was a girl! Oh, think of it. I would just admire her… sit and admire her and stare. And she would admire me, too! And we’d just talk about all the little things in the world…

  MR. SING: You snubbed her. She was being perfectly friendly and you were rude.

  MRS. SING: I don’t even remember.

  MR. SING: You are always rude.

  MRS. SING: Perhaps I was brought up that way…

  MR. SING: You cannot blame your mother and father who are twenty years dead!

  (Pause.)

  MRS. SING: But it was almost a betrayal, wasn’t it? For them to go like that? I thought they might turn around and come back to us as soon as they stepped out that door. I kept watching the door… like a little animal.

  MR. SING: They wanted to see the sights.

  MRS. SING: Yes! Like us! We wanted to see the sights, too!

  MR. SING: We’ll see the sights next time!

  MRS. SING: All I wanted was to spend one day in the shops, but I didn’t want to tell you. I had it in mind to buy a nice dress, only one, but which I could bring back and tell Mrs. Lau: This is from Paris. This is a Paris original!

  MR. SING: I don’t know why you are always trying to make Mrs. Lau jealous. She is an illiterate cleaning-woman. You have never had any ambition!

  MRS. SING: No, it’s true. I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea.

  MR. SING: What you want is always nothing but trouble, that’s what I think.

  MRS. SING: I should just throw myself into the river. With my ribbons and my robes.

  MR. SING: Don’t talk nonsense.

  MRS. SING: I’m nothing but a burden to you.

  MR. SING: You say it but you don’t mean it. (pause) You don’t have ribbons and you only have one robe.

  (THE ODDIS enter, exhausted after a long day.)

  MRS. SING: (whispering) Look, it’s the Oddis! Sit up!

  (THE ODDIS approach but JENNY runs ahead.)

  JENNY: Have they found Daniel yet?

  MR. SING: No, Jenny, they have not.

  MR. ODDI: We’re so sorry.

  MS. ODDI: Yes, yes, so sorry.

  MR. SING: Yes…

  MRS. SING: And how did you spend your day?

  MR. ODDI: We looked for Daniel all over.

  JENNY: (desperate) No, we did not. They wouldn’t let me go to the park. I told them I wanted to feed the birds—but it wasn’t true! I thought we’d see Daniel there! I know he loves birds, and I thought maybe he would follow the little pigeons in…

  MS. ODDI: She’s confused. We kept our eye out for him all day.

  MRS. SING: (touching the arm of MS. ODDI’s blouse) Ms. Oddi, may I speak with you confidentially?

  MS. ODDI: I… don’t think so.

  MRS. SING: No?

  MS. ODDI: Whatever you want to say to me, you can say before my husband, and Jenny.

  (MRS. SING sits silent.)

  MRS. SING: Please, we won’t go far. Just… over there… by the tree.

  MS. ODDI: (glances at it) All right.

  (They go over to stand by the plastic tree.) />
  MRS. SING: (giggling, then bringing her hand up to her mouth) I don’t know what’s come over me! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! (bursts into tears) Oh, it’s just been such a terrible day! You have never lost a child, have you, Ms. Oddi?

  MS. ODDI: Never.

  MRS. SING: It’s not like you imagine it. You find that even oranges look menacing to you. The whole world turns inside-out, and you see nothing but the maggots! The midgets and the maggots!

  MS. ODDI: I wouldn’t know about that, Mrs. Sing. I have always tried to look on the bright side of things.

  MRS. SING: Me too, me too. Not the midgets. Oh, Ms. Oddi, I have a feeling we could understand each other!

  MS. ODDI: No, I’m sorry, Mrs. Sing. You have the wrong idea about me. I don’t know how I ever gave you that idea, but I like the comforts of my family, and the few friends I have are enough for me.

  MRS. SING: But you are a passionate woman… in some ways?

  (MS. ODDI notices JENNY playing with the leaves of a hotel plant.)

  MS. ODDI: Jenny! Stop that! Jenny’s up to no good again. Please excuse me, Mrs. Sing. I hope they find Daniel.

  (She steps away, pulling JENNY with her.)

  MRS. SING: Please don’t misunderstand me!

  SCENE 5

  The hotel room of THE ODDIS. Early evening.

  MR. ODDI: (proudly) Your mother plays the flute!

  JENNY: What? I never knew that.

  MR. ODDI: Listen to her. Come, Grace. (to JENNY) She brought it with her.

  (MS. ODDI produces her flute.)

  MS. ODDI: I sing, too.

  JENNY: Impossible. How come I was never told?

  MR. ODDI: We wanted it to be a surprise.

  (MS. ODDI plays a note.)

  MR. ODDI: Divine.

  (MS. ODDI plays a whole song. When she is done, she holds her flute to her chest and smiles. MR. ODDI stands and claps, beaming.)

  MR. ODDI: Marvellous! Marvellous! Isn’t your mother incredible?

  MS. ODDI: (happily embarrassed) Oh stop it.

  (She quickly puts the flute away.)

  MR. ODDI: Come.

  (MS. ODDI goes and sits beside her husband, who puts his arm tight around her waist and smiles. They sit there like that.)

  JENNY: Excuse me.

  MS. ODDI: What is it, Jenny?

  JENNY: I would like to talk to the police.