All Our Happy Days Are Stupid Read online

  JENNY: Sure! Nice! But just deny the fact that they are less intelligent than me!

  MS. ODDI: I don’t think about twelve-year-old girls in those terms! A twelve-year-old girl is a twelve-year-old girl, pure and simple. If you would like me to evaluate your friends, bring them back in five or six years. They’re hardly on my radar.

  JENNY: Well, if you could see what sort of fuss some of them cause on the street… In any case, you wouldn’t be telling them to come back in five or six years.

  MS. ODDI: How am I supposed to help it if some people are sick and perverted? Bystanders. I can’t account for all bystanders!

  MR. ODDI: Now, stop it you two. If you would only watch the parade.

  JENNY: I hope we’re not here for my benefit, because I really could care less about the parade. There are things I am much more interested in.

  MR. ODDI: Who said we were here for your benefit? A parade is to everyone’s benefit.

  MS. ODDI: That’s right. Do you think the lion appeals only to the very young? The lion is a sign of great strength. You know who has great strength? Your father.

  JENNY: (scoffing) My father.

  MR. ODDI: I’m going back to the hotel.

  JENNY & MS. ODDI: Oh, don’t go! Don’t go!

  MR. ODDI: Have you given one thought to whether or not this is any fun for me? Just standing here and standing here while you two bicker on? A lot of good that does for my health.

  JENNY: We’re not bickering.

  MS. ODDI: I don’t know how you expected it to go. Dragging us to a stupid parade. Is Jenny interested in some stupid parade? She’s almost thirteen years old.

  MR. ODDI: Let’s go then.

  JENNY: Please, let’s not leave for my sake. I am perfectly happy to watch the stupid parade. You’ve taken me from all my friends; I don’t see why I don’t just lie down on the sidewalk and die.

  MR. ODDI: (loudly) Then let’s go for my sake. We’re certainly not here for my benefit. Come on, no more discussion about it. We’re going.

  MS. ODDI: At last.

  (They start to walk.)

  JENNY: I was just dying in that sun.

  MS. ODDI: Precisely. That sun was terrible.

  MR. ODDI: If you have such a terrible time in the afternoon sun you should wear a sunhat.

  MS. ODDI: I don’t like to sweat.

  JENNY: All the same; a sunhat saves the complexion.

  MS. ODDI: I do not worry about my complexion. You should not be worrying about my complexion. My complexion is nobody’s business but my own.

  JENNY: Hey, wait a minute! I know that boy! He’s from my school!

  MS. ODDI: Where? Back home? What a thing!

  JENNY: Imagine meeting him all the way in Paris!

  (JENNY pushes through the crowd to DANIEL, who stands with his parents, MR. and MRS. SING.)

  MR. ODDI: If you are going to say hello, be careful! Please, Jenny! You’re not supposed to walk among the characters!

  JENNY: Young Daniel!

  DANIEL: Jenny! Jenny Oddi! Are you here in Paris too?

  JENNY: I am!

  DANIEL: Marvellous! I was just saying to my mother and father… Oh, wait a minute. Mother?

  MRS. SING: Yes, Danny?

  DANIEL: This is Jenny. She’s in my class at school.

  MRS. SING: From back home!

  JENNY: Hello, Mrs. Sing.

  MRS. SING: Hello.

  DANIEL: This is my father.

  MR. SING: Hello. (awkward pause) Jenny, are you travelling with your family in Paris?

  JENNY: Yes, they’re—

  MR. SING: Danny tells us you’re from his school.

  JENNY: I am.

  MRS. SING: Do you like it here?

  JENNY: Sure. I like the women a lot. I think the older women are remarkable; so beautiful and well-dressed. A lifetime of having men look at you, don’t you think? That’s my mother’s opinion of it. Makes a woman glow, she says.

  MRS. SING: I don’t agree at all. I think it is the weather.

  DANIEL: Jenny has a special knowledge of the weather. She did a report last year on air currents.

  JENNY: That’s right. I forgot all about it.

  DANIEL: It was good.

  JENNY: It was good, it’s true. But all in all, I never got into it. It was just research to the page.

  DANIEL: What?

  JENNY: Research to the page. Don’t my mom and dad look so sad there? I’ll get them.

  (She starts to go. Stops.)

  JENNY: Do you think it’s right, all this stupid parading?

  DANIEL: (hesitates) Right?

  JENNY: In the streets of Paris! I had such a completely different vision of what it would be like here. I was always told that it was the most romantic city in the world. Lots of kissing, lovers holding hands, strolling down the avenues, but I haven’t seen any of that! This ridiculous parade has been going on since we arrived and I’m sick of it! We keep running into it. My parents think it’s amusing for me, but it’s not. I think it’s so limited. Wait.

  (JENNY goes to get her parents.)

  MRS. SING: (disapproving) She has such tiny hands!

  (JENNY returns with MR. and MS. ODDI.)

  JENNY: These are my parents. This is Daniel.

  MS. ODDI: Hello Daniel.

  DANIEL: Hi.

  JENNY: And these are Daniel’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Sing.

  MR. SING: Pleasure. Philip Sing. This is my wife, Joy.

  MR. ODDI: Jack Oddi.

  (The men shake hands.)

  MRS. SING: (to Ms. Oddi) Your daughter goes to school with our Danny.

  MS. ODDI: We were surprised to hear it. Imagine, meeting all the way in Paris!

  MRS. SING: (coldly) Well, it is a small world. You must have realized that by now, Ms. Oddi.

  MR. SING: (gracious) I imagine they must be good friends, to have recognized each other so quickly.

  MRS. SING: I’d think so.

  MS. ODDI: (arrogant) I wouldn’t. Don’t you remember when you were in school? At that age your world is so limited, you’re intimate with the faces of everyone from the smallest grade to the highest.

  MRS. SING: I disagree!

  MS. ODDI: Well, Jenny tells me everything, and she told me just a few weeks ago that it is so limited, school is, and I believed her. Why shouldn’t I? Because she’s twelve? Just consider the facts. Two young people, all the way in Paris. If their outlooks were broader you’d think they would have completely overlooked each other. Or wouldn’t even have been looking at all.

  JENNY: I wasn’t looking; I just noticed.

  MRS. SING: (to MS. ODDI) I think you’re confusing everything, if you don’t mind me saying.

  MS. ODDI: Say what you like!

  (Silence.)

  MS. ODDI: (turning to her husband) Let’s go.

  MR. ODDI: It was a pleasure meeting you.

  MR. SING: Pleasure.

  (The men shake hands. THE ODDIS turn to go.)

  DANIEL: What? Are you going?

  JENNY: I have to follow my parents now.

  MS. ODDI: (beckoning) Jenny!

  JENNY: (to DANIEL) I’m sorry about her. She always has to make a speech! What’s so great about a speech?

  MS. ODDI: When did I make a speech?

  JENNY: Right now to his mother! Why can’t you ever just shut up?

  MS. ODDI: I didn’t make a speech, and besides, even if I did. A speech explains what you’re thinking. You’ll understand it when you get a little older. As it is, you know little enough about such matters. You think it is sufficient just to say whatever gets stuck in your mind, then stand back and let someone else say the little things that pop in and out of their mind. It’s fine enough for now, but soon your ideas will be more complicated and then you’ll see very well the use of speeches. As it is, you’re only twelve… hopeless! How can you be expected to understand anything?

  MR. ODDI: Oh, Jenny makes her little speeches.

  JENNY: Why do you have to say little speeches? Why use the
word little? Why are you always trying to humiliate me?

  MR. ODDI: I am not trying to humiliate you.

  JENNY: (to DANIEL) I’m sorry.

  (She hurries off after her parents, then turns and stops.)

  MS. ODDI: Jenny!

  JENNY: (calling DANIEL) Where are you staying?

  DANIEL: I don’t know… it’s yellow. Where are you staying?

  JENNY: I don’t know. (to her parents) Where are we staying?

  MR. ODDI: (impatiently) I have it written down in my book.

  JENNY: Where’s your book?

  MS. ODDI: Jenny, come on!

  JENNY: (to DANIEL, calling) Near the parade!

  (THE ODDIS and JENNY exit.)

  MR. SING: They seem like a very decent family.

  MRS. SING: I hope you’re joking.

  MR. SING: I was not joking.

  MRS. SING: The mother was very rude to me.

  MR. SING: Please don’t start with your evil eyes.

  MRS. SING: What evil eyes? I have not started.

  MR. SING: Once you start with those evil eyes the day is ruined!

  DANIEL: Yes Mom, please don’t.

  MRS. SING: I am not starting with the evil eyes!

  MR. SING: I don’t see why I brought you to Paris. I should have just left you at home. There you could make your evil eyes at Mrs. Lau, you could make your evil eyes at the dog all day long. We wouldn’t have had to worry about it all the way in Paris!

  MRS. SING: Oh yes? Well, if you had left me at home who would have looked after Daniel while you spent all last night in the lap of some exotic dancer?

  MR. SING: He should not be hearing this!

  MRS. SING: He will have to hear this! What kind of man his father is…

  (DANIEL starts walking away.)

  MR. SING: Daniel—come back! Daniel! Don’t get lost in the crowd!

  (He does.)

  MRS. SING: You spent all night licking her on her leg, and then you returned home to me as though I was supposed to bare my leg for you!

  MR. SING: Please, I don’t want to get into it. It was your idea.

  MRS. SING: Only to make you happy. (looks around) Daniel! Daniel!

  (DAN emerges. He resembles DANIEL. He will reappear throughout the play to sing with his guitar; the players never notice or acknowledge him. He begins to sing as THE SINGS argue more quietly.)

  “New Ways of Living”

  Maybe I should have loved you…

  Maybe I should have sworn

  Not to be born

  Of this wretched glove too soon

  But a dragon needs room

  But a dragon needs room

  To run run run run

  (Suddenly, MR. SING realizes that his son is gone. The music continues under this exchange.)

  MR. SING: It was supposed to be different! Daniel? Look, we’ve lost Daniel.

  MRS. SING: No we haven’t. Daniel! Daniel!

  (THE SINGS look for DANIEL in the crowd while DAN continues to sing, nonchalant.)

  “New Ways of Living” (cont’d)

  Treacherous fop don’t be embarrassed

  For looking good at your table on the terrace

  That you call home

  I’m sold

  Paris, London, Rome’s too young for you

  And your kind

  Explosions want to see what they can find

  New ways of living…

  It’s you and your kind

  The new ways of living

  It’s you and your kind

  The new ways of living

  It’s you and your kind

  The new ways of living

  It’s you and your kind

  The new ways of living

  All right

  SCENE 2

  Dining room of the hotel. Next morning. MR. ODDI looks at a map. JENNY looks worriedly into a newspaper. MS. ODDI is eating her breakfast, putting jam on things. The music from the previous scene continues in this one, DAN now in the dining room, at another table.

  “New Ways of Living” (cont’d)

  It’s you and your kind

  The new ways of living (x 4)

  JENNY: They still haven’t found Daniel.

  MS. ODDI: I think it’s very irresponsible of that woman to lose her son in the parade. Jack, have we ever lost Jenny?

  MR. ODDI: We have never lost Jenny!

  JENNY: It’s sad, that’s all. I see him, a friend from school, and the next thing—I’m reading in the paper that a boy from Cedervale has gone missing in that stupid parade! Dad, if you had told me Paris had parades all summer I never would have thought it was a good idea to come. Really, I wanted something authentic!

  MS. ODDI: Isn’t this butter authentic?

  JENNY: Yes, I suppose the butter is authentic.

  MS. ODDI: Then I don’t see what you’re complaining about. You want to live in a world of absolute purity. That’s nonsense! You have to get your head together in time for grade seven! Do you want all the older boys laughing at you? Well, they will if you go around talking about authenticity all the time. The world is the world. You can’t divide it up like that!

  MR. ODDI: If Jenny wanted your opinion she would have asked for it! All she’s saying is that she doesn’t like the parade. I can understand that. It swallowed up her friend.

  MS. ODDI: Well then, I suppose there’s nothing to say.

  JENNY: I’m sure I could find him if I looked.

  MS. ODDI: (contemptuously) Why? Because you’re twelve and he’s twelve?

  JENNY: It has nothing to do with that.

  MS. ODDI: You are too romantic a girl!

  JENNY: We have an understanding. A mutual sympathy. For instance—

  MS. ODDI: (disgusted) Please Jenny, we don’t want to hear about your understanding.

  JENNY: I was going to be polite.

  MS. ODDI: Some things are best left to the imagination.

  JENNY: All right! Leave it to the imagination, then!

  MS. ODDI: You ought to spend your time thinking about other things. You ought to be taking a look at the world around you! As it is you’re like a six-year-old, completely self-involved.

  (Pause.)

  JENNY: I think it’s just terrible.

  MR. ODDI: You are so fond of people.

  MS. ODDI: Pass the jam.

  JENNY: It’s right by your elbow! (after a pause) I am going off on my own today.

  MR. ODDI: You can’t. You’re too young, obviously. Even you know it.

  JENNY: I’ll take the phone and you can call me all day if that’s what it takes!

  MS. ODDI: That is not what it takes, Jenny. It takes five or six years of maturity. You don’t know how to look at things in the right way. You’re always in a muddle. That boy you think is your friend? Well, was it very friendly to get lost and separated from his family?

  JENNY: I suppose it wasn’t. But I’m sure on the other hand it had nothing to do with him. He was probably just looking at one of the characters when his parents wandered off.

  MS. ODDI: I’ve come to expect more from you.

  MR. ODDI: Leave her alone. She’s upset.

  MS. ODDI: All right.

  JENNY: No. She doesn’t have to leave me alone either. (with difficulty) I’m not upset.

  MR. ODDI: Come, come. Obviously you’re upset. Look at you! Look at you!

  MS. ODDI: Yes, look at you! You have a tear in your eye!

  JENNY: I am trying to hold it in.

  MS. ODDI: Well you’re doing a terrible job! Let it out, Jenny, you’re not proving anything.

  MR. ODDI: She’s upset, Grace. Leave her alone.

  JENNY: I’m going to go lie down.

  MR. ODDI: If you lie down you’re going to miss the day. Do you want to miss the whole day?

  JENNY: I don’t want to miss the whole day but I do want to lie down.

  MS. ODDI: Well, I think it’s fine. Go lie down, Jenny. But just for ten minutes. We’ll be waiting here to leave in ten minutes. You have a
little rest.

  JENNY: Thank you.

  MS. ODDI: It’s difficult. Daniel was your friend.

  JENNY: I know.

  MS. ODDI: You’re very sensitive.

  (JENNY leaves. MR. and MS. ODDI look at each other. MS. ODDI sighs.)

  MS. ODDI: I don’t know. She’s a very sensitive girl.

  MR. ODDI: She’s just like you were when you were twelve.

  MS. ODDI: You did not know me when I was twelve.

  MR. ODDI: How I imagine you to have been.

  MS. ODDI: You could imagine me one of a hundred different ways. What would it have to do with anything? Jenny’s upset! About her little friend, Daniel!

  MR. ODDI: I really can’t take this anymore.

  (He returns to his map.)

  MS. ODDI: That’s right. Look at your map! As if the key to life were in your map!

  MR. ODDI: Can’t we please have a pleasant breakfast?

  MS. ODDI: That’s what I asked you this very morning, coming down the stairs. Don’t you remember?

  MR. ODDI: You would see if you only looked around that there are a dozen other families right here in this very room and all of them are having pleasant breakfasts. Not one of them is running off in tears!

  MS. ODDI: I don’t care to look at a bunch of other families who all smell bad in their own ways. Have you ever noticed that, Jack? How bad other families smell?

  MR. ODDI: Sure. Remember Irene?

  MS. ODDI: Yes! Irene Melo! Then you see what I’m speaking of. Phew! If that house didn’t stink! Like onions and sweat and soil.

  MR. ODDI: Don’t start showing off.

  MS. ODDI: What?

  MR. ODDI: Please stop showing off! “Like onions and sweat and soil.” You’re not a poet, Grace.

  MS. ODDI: (hurt) I’m not trying to be a poet.

  MR. ODDI: …trying to describe the way things are. Leave that to the poets… for heaven’s sake, Grace!

  MS. ODDI: I was just searching for the words.

  MR. ODDI: A poet doesn’t search for the words, just ladies trying to look all poetical!

  MS. ODDI: (still hurt) You’re wrong. Poets do search for the words. They search for the words in every lyric.

  MR. ODDI: (looking back at his map) You have no idea what you’re talking about.

  MS. ODDI: Maybe I don’t.

  (No response.)

  MS. ODDI: I’d like you to be more tender, Jack. Just a little. While we’re on vacation.

  MR. ODDI: We should have gotten our own room.