All Our Happy Days Are Stupid Read online

MR. ODDI: Oh Jenny, can’t it wait?

  MS. ODDI: Jenny, we are trying to have a nice time.

  (There is a knocking on the door. THE ODDIS look at each other questioningly. JENNY goes to answer it. Standing in the doorway are PLURABELLE, an older woman with an air of authority, and THE HANDSOME MAN WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHY. They push in.)

  PLURABELLE: Ms. Oddi.

  MS. ODDI: Yes?

  PLURABELLE: We understand you play the flute.

  MR. ODDI: Were you spying?

  PLURABELLE: Livinia was.

  (LIVINIA enters, hesitantly, then curtseys.)

  MR. ODDI: What does it matter? Is that not allowed in this hotel?

  PLURABELLE: (without enthusiasm) Contrary, Sir. It’s encouraged.

  MS. ODDI: Then I don’t see what I’ve done wrong.

  PLURABELLE: We would like to invite you to dinner.

  MS. ODDI: (coldly) We have eaten already, thank you.

  PLURABELLE: Not as a guest. Tonight there will be a great honor for the hotel. The Prince For All Seasons will be dining here with his entourage and new bride. We have never had such a great honor, not since the hotel opened in 1748. Do you know what happened in 1748, Ms. Oddi?

  JENNY: I do.

  PLURABELLE & JENNY: (in a rush) In 1784 the Hoteliers Association of Western Europe produced an edict!

  PLURABELLE: Don’t speak out of turn! We were the first hotel to open under the regulations of that edict, which had four main points, and it was then that the King of Verdun honored us with a visit with his entourage and new bride! We were humbled and we served him a roast. It was delicious and everyone was satisfied. The only person who was not satisfied was his young bride. She took to her bed ill that night, and when she woke, she was dead.

  MR. ODDI: Then she didn’t wake. If she was dead.

  PLURABELLE: Did I say woke? I meant “in the morning.”

  THE HANDSOME MAN: Tell her about the second honor.

  PLURABELLE: (shrill) You are wrong! The second honor is tonight! Ms. Oddi, can we count on your participation?

  MS. ODDI: You want me to play the flute?

  PLURABELLE: We do.

  MS. ODDI: Well… I am flattered, of course.

  PLURABELLE: We will leave you to talk it over with each other. A husband and wife must consult on every detail, or else the marriage may go to pot. Have you found that?

  MR. ODDI: No.

  PLURABELLE: (beckoning to THE HANDSOME MAN) My husband will stay. When you have come to your decision, tell him, and he will inform me. We would be so honored. (bowing as she exits) Your notes are honeyed, Ms. Oddi, absolutely honeyed. And you are a vision of loveliness.

  MS. ODDI: (swallowing, quietly) Thank you.

  (PLURABELLE and LIVINIA leave. JENNY checks the door, opening it a little and looking out, then closing it.)

  JENNY: The old one is waiting outside the door.

  THE HANDSOME MAN: (smiling) She doesn’t trust me.

  (MS. ODDI turns to her husband with a hopeful, expectant look.)

  MR. ODDI: Come on, it sounds ludicrous!

  MS. ODDI: I don’t know… I think it’s quite an honor. To be asked. I am not even a professional.

  MR. ODDI: We have tickets to a play. Don’t you remember?

  MS. ODDI: (scoffing) A play. (to THE HANDSOME MAN) Tell her I will.

  THE HANDSOME MAN: It’s a choice you both should agree on, don’t you think? Or do you want to make your husband upset?

  MR. ODDI: Yes, he’s perfectly right. I think I should be included in the decision.

  MS. ODDI: You won’t let me? Why?

  THE HANDSOME MAN: Often, Ma’am, it seems a husband doesn’t like his wife to shine. I can’t figure it myself. Who else should a man want to shine but his very own wife?

  MR. ODDI: It has nothing to do with that! I am perfectly happy to see my wife shine!

  THE HANDSOME MAN: You aren’t hiding her light under a bushel? She’s a beautiful woman, if you don’t mind me saying, your wife is, and she would make the Prince very happy.

  MR. ODDI: (to MS. ODDI) This is what you want?

  JENNY: She’s still there.

  THE HANDSOME MAN: She’s just spying on me. Keeps me on a short leash. Thinks I’m going to run around on her. (smiles)

  MS. ODDI: I want to do it. I want it. I want it, Jack!

  MR. ODDI: Well, you’re being very irrational. That’s all I can say.

  MS. ODDI: I’m guided by my emotions this time!

  MR. ODDI: Go ahead then.

  MS. ODDI: (to THE HANDSOME MAN) Yes!

  THE HANDSOME MAN: We’re much obliged to you, Ma’am. You may not realize it, but it’s quite an honor to be asked, and tonight will be the best night of your life, if you don’t mind me hyperventilating.

  MR. ODDI: (impatient) You mean hyperbolizing.

  THE HANDSOME MAN: Your husband’s a good man. Takes good care of you. He’s no fool.

  (He waits, looking at them.)

  THE HANDSOME MAN: Well, good-bye.

  (He goes. JENNY open the door for him and closes it behind him. We can hear a grunt of delight from PLURABELLE from behind the door. JENNY checks.)

  JENNY: They’re gone.

  (MS. ODDI stands up in rapture. She begins pacing around the room impatiently, eagerly.)

  MS. ODDI: Oh! Oh! I don’t know what to say! (turning to MR. ODDI) I don’t know what to say!

  MR. ODDI: I don’t know.

  MS. ODDI: It really is an honor! At first I thought they were just saying that, I was suspicious. But I feel it in my bones. The Prince! The Prince For All Seasons… And his lovely young bride. How romantic!

  MR. ODDI: See, it all sounds like a load of crap to me.

  MS. ODDI: Must you spoil everything good in my life! For once I am the one who is necessary. I am the one who will make the evening shine! That man was right. You’re jealous of me. You want to keep me tucked away in this hotel room, away from the eyes of the world. Why didn’t I get on the stage? Why didn’t I pursue my flute? Instead I took care of Jenny.

  MR. ODDI: You worked.

  MS. ODDI: I worked. Later. Yes, I did work. But never to my potential.

  MR. ODDI: I coached you for interviews.

  MS. ODDI: You helped in your own way.

  MR. ODDI: (angry) Then?

  MS. ODDI: But you never went out of your way to help! (bursts into tears) I have hidden my talent under a bushel.

  MR. ODDI: You never professed an interest.

  MS. ODDI: No, not out loud.

  JENNY: (more quietly than usual) I never knew about it.

  MS. ODDI: I was ashamed. It seemed frivolous.

  MR. ODDI: Well it is, a little, unless you take it seriously. (standing) I’m not going to miss the theatre.

  MS. ODDI: I know. (sadly) I can’t really expect you to be proud of me, not even the tiniest bit… not if I never professed an interest. I have to practice. I only know one song. Take Jenny! I have no time to waste. I must rehearse!

  MR. ODDI: I don’t want you getting too carried away, is all. Don’t forget the rest of your life!

  MS. ODDI: No, it’s true. The rest of my life is very important.

  (MR. ODDI puts on his coat.)

  MR. ODDI: Don’t go changing your look. Your look is a good one.

  MS. ODDI: (nervously) Is it?

  MR. ODDI: You see? Keep it in proportion! Come along, Jenny. We’re not missing the play. Don’t forget your coat.

  (MR. ODDI and JENNY leave. MS. ODDI lifts her flute to her lips and blows. There is not a pleasant sound. She looks at her flute in despair.)

  SCENE 6

  In the garden of the hotel. THE HANDSOME MAN WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHY is looking lovingly at LIVINIA, a servant girl with long hair. He holds her in his arms.

  THE HANDSOME MAN: Tonight we will go from here…

  LIVINIA: Yes.

  THE HANDSOME MAN: My very own love.

  LIVINIA: Oh, yes.

  THE HANDSOME MAN: And you will be mine. In a little hous
e by the woods. And there will be no man happier than I.

  (They kiss. DAN comes on, serenades them.)

  “What Road”

  Once I was made beautiful in the light of an hour

  But this year, I’m just a meal laid out for August to devour

  So quick let’s go, it’s time for a ride

  The future’s yours, no way to lie

  It is not yours, it is a replica of scattered ash

  And the road the rain’s on

  What road, what road, what road, what road…

  SCENE 7

  JENNY and MR. ODDI flag a taxi in front of the hotel. THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS and THE YOUNG BRIDE are escorted by PLURABELLE into the dining room. MS. ODDI exits her hotel room and heads for the dining room. As all this happens, a sort of night scene occurs, where people assemble themselves into where they are meant to be and DAN continues to sing.

  “What Road” (cont’d)

  Able willing ready

  Fuck the Spiral Jetty

  Today we work large we aim high

  To the spirit’s sky designed to come down

  On everyone at once

  So quick let’s go, it’s time for a ride

  The future’s yours, no way to lie

  It is not yours, it is a replica of scattered ash

  And the road the rain’s on

  What road, what road, what road, what road…

  SCENE 8

  Private dining room in the hotel. THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS and THE YOUNG BRIDE sit at an elaborate table. PLURABELLE stands back, beaming, while LIVINIA serves. MS. ODDI stands off a bit, playing her flute rather badly. She is near tears. She continues to play throughout the scene, and is completely ignored. DAN continues to sing.

  “What Road” (cont’d)

  I’s been, working on some open-ended shit

  I was looking for an in and that was it

  Back at the recital

  Signs remain vital

  A statue of stone which rejects its own pulse

  Your heart’s square, your heart’s fair, your heart’s not even there

  Wasting surely on the girls from Point Saint Clair

  There is a light and it goes out, a…

  Touch of classicism in the night

  Your backlash was right where I wanted you

  Yes, that’s right, I wanted you

  Yes, that’s right, I wanted you

  THE YOUNG BRIDE: I tried my best. Now I am recovered. I lay in my bed all day and Livinia attended to me.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Who is Livinia?

  THE YOUNG BRIDE: She is!

  (LIVINIA passes by to serve them another dish.)

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: You helped my young bride—now she is well! Before she was dying. She had fallen from her horse.

  LIVINIA: I saw the spot on her head, Prince.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: She tells me it was you who made her better. That without you she might not have been made better at all.

  LIVINIA: I don’t know.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Has no one taught you to be proud?

  LIVINIA: Never.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Then how can you possibly be happy?

  LIVINIA: I am not.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Then what good is your life! What good is your life if you are not proud, and therefore not happy? Is there not only one Livinia in this hotel?

  LIVINIA: I am the only one.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Then you must hold your head up high!

  LIVINIA: I suppose.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: I will see to it that you do! You have nursed my beautiful young bride back to health… so I will not have you walking around this hotel alone, staring gloomily at the world, serving and cleaning up without any dignity of your own, when you are obviously remarkable!

  LIVINIA: Thank you, Prince. It is too much what you say.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: But not at all. Do you have an education?

  LIVINIA: Yes.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: What grade?

  LIVINIA: Seventh grade, Prince. After that I was put to work and I have worked ever since.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: It is atrocious!

  LIVINIA: Thank you. I was very good at school. I excelled.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: I am sure you did. You must become a tutor. The tutor of my young bride. I have been thinking of acquiring for her an education. She likes you.

  THE YOUNG BRIDE: I was nearly dead. You saved me.

  LIVINIA: (curtseys) Thank you, Princess.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Call for me the woman who employs you.

  LIVINIA: (turning) Plurabelle!

  PLURABELLE: (rushing over) Is everything to your liking?

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: I have been in conversation with your maid. She took care of my bride. When we arrived she was half-dead, having fallen from a horse onto the ground and having hit her head. We thought she would die. It was the worst seven hours of my life. Do you understand what that means, to be freshly married and to think your young bride is losing her life? It is a dark injustice. I have never felt anything like it.

  PLURABELLE: We are so happy to see her well, eating dinner, radiant.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: It was your maid who nursed her back to health, and with such a sensitivity. My young bride took to her like a leaf to the sun. Isn’t that right, darling?

  THE YOUNG BRIDE: Yes.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: So you understand what I mean.

  PLURABELLE: I do. It can only mean one thing: you want to take her from me.

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Yes, it is indeed that one thing. Exactly.

  PLURABELLE: But she is almost my own daughter!

  THE YOUNG BRIDE: Even my mother had to let me go, when I married the prince. Do you think she complains as you do now?

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: She is very wise! Do you value your hotel?

  PLURABELLE: I do!

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: Then you shall keep it. And now you see the way the world goes. What one man wants, another must give up. Now we will all eat together. The magical Livinia is ours!

  (He holds up a platter. THE YOUNG BRIDE takes a drumstick, as does LIVINIA.)

  THE PRINCE FOR ALL SEASONS: (smiling, to THE YOUNG BRIDE) What was once impossible is now truly beautiful. I have you by my side, my dear, and there is not a star in the sky that does not weep from happiness.

  (He pulls his bride up and begins dancing with her, and forces the others to dance, too. The music slowly starts up as the lights begin to dim on the dancers. MS. ODDI has been playing ever more quietly, and no one has been paying attention. She is mortified.)

  SCENE 9

  Hotel hallway, late at night. MRS. SING opens the door as MS. ODDI, with a travelling case in her hands, steps out of her hotel room, obviously in a great hurry. They run into each other.

  MRS. SING: Ms. Oddi!

  MS. ODDI: Oh! Mrs. Sing! You startled me.

  (MS. ODDI turns, locks the door, then begins hurrying off.)

  MRS. SING: Are you leaving?

  MS. ODDI: Oh, oh, I’m very sorry. Have they found Daniel?

  MRS. SING: No, they have not.

  MS. ODDI: Well, I’m very very sorry. I am sure they will find him tomorrow. I’m sure he will turn up. My daughter is convinced of it—

  MRS. SING: You are very excited. You must catch your breath.

  MS. ODDI: Oh, I have no time to catch my breath! I am in a great hurry!

  (She begins rustling in her purse.)

  MRS. SING: Where were you going?

  MS. ODDI: Away. Just away.

  MRS. SING: You are running away?

  MS. ODDI: No, don’t speculate!

  MRS. SING: (interrupting) There is a great sadness in you. It is obvious to me, so perfectly obvious. You are like a wilting flower.

  MS. ODDI: (flustered) Well, that’s just life’s way, isn’t it?


  MRS. SING: It doesn’t have to be.

  MS. ODDI: Of course it does!

  MRS. SING: Life can be many ways. Come, think back on when you were little. How was life then?

  MS. ODDI: No better than it is now, Mrs. Sing! No better! Please, move aside.

  (She makes to go. MRS. SING stops her.)

  MRS. SING: (desperate) Perhaps you have a secret you would like to share? That you could only share with another woman? There are so few of us here. We are both in families entirely of men.

  MS. ODDI: That is not true! I have a daughter!

  MRS. SING: But she is too young to count.

  MS. ODDI: She certainly counts!

  (MS. ODDI hurries away.)

  MRS. SING: Ms. Oddi, you are making a great mistake! You could open up to me! We would tell each other all the little things in the world!

  MS. ODDI: I owe you nothing! I owe you nothing!

  SCENE 10

  JENNY opens her eyes in her bed in her hotel room. DAN starts singing “A Million Votes for Jenny O” from the corner of the room. As the music continues, JENNY gets up and, drawn by the moonlight, goes and looks out the window at the moon hanging over Paris. She sighs—it’s like her fantasy Paris, for the first time since she arrived. She is lit up with happiness. She watches the moon, smiling, hopeful.

  “A Million Votes for Jenny O”

  Today before the storm

  The angels made it known

  That her house was the capital

  That the sad, sad rain has been

  A million votes for Jenny O

  A million votes for Jenny O

  A million votes for Jenny O

  A million votes for Jenny O

  (JENNY pulls out a walkie-talkie from her pajama pocket and starts talking into it, again with such hope.)

  JENNY: Daniel… Daniel… if you can hear me, come in. Come in! We need you here, back at the hotel. If you are anywhere picking up this signal, please come in! Return to the hotel. Return to the hotel at once! Come in? Come in? This is Jenny O calling for Daniel Sing… come in, Daniel. Come in…

  (JENNY listens very carefully to the walkie-talkie, to see if she can pick up anything.)

  “A Million Votes for Jenny O” (cont’d)

  I decided to make a fuss

  Pitting her against Corey Elainus

  On a sea of lies let’s get lost